Attachment Parenting - principal #5.

Ensure safe sleep physically and emotionally.

While researching on the internet for advice in transitioning Lucas out of our bed and into his own I happened across a site called Attachment Parenting.  I never heard of this parenting philosophy before.  Surprisingly it matches the way we are raising our children.  The site will say "the essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and children."  Isn't that why we want to become parents?  To create a strong bond, a meaningful relationship with our children?  A child is the most precious gift that life has to offer.  From the moment of conception this tiny human depends on it's mother to nourish and protect it.  When an infant is born it depends on it's parents to decipher every cry and coo.  They are tiny human's with emotions and needs.  Attachment Parenting isn't a new philosophy it is a return to maternal instinct. 

I had nursed Lucas for his first year.  When he would cry my breasts would swell and ache responding to his cry for hunger.  My body gave a physical response to my child's cry.  That is natural!  What is not natural is allowing your infant to cry when they need something from their parents.  I get that most people will say "They need to learn to self soothe."  My response is this "How many 20 year olds do you know that still need to be cuddled to have their needs met?  None, because in time everyone learns to self soothe."  My question is, "Why does a 6 month old need to learn how to self soothe?"  Most of the time the answer to this question has to deal with the Mother's need.  It can be very difficult to find the balance between taking care of yourself and your child when those needs conflict.  Balance is necessary to keep a happy healthy and loving family environment.  While caring for your child you must also care for yourself.  I think that is why we often resort to the "cry it out" method.

That is why I tried the "cry it out" method when Gabriel was a baby.  It was exhausting always needing to walk and bounce him till he could fall asleep.  I needed time for myself.  When I did try to let him cry it out I felt so guilty and it destroyed Leo to listen to his baby cry.  Many people told me that I shouldn't feel guilty because I was doing what I needed to do, I was teaching my baby how to fall asleep without me.  After a week we gave it up.  The way Leo and I felt, if my baby needed me then he was going to get me.  Eventually Gabe did learn to fall asleep without me.  Before he was 2 years old he was sleeping in his own bed.  He could still come to our bed if he had a bad day and needed a night time cuddle or if he had a bad dream and needed to be reassured. 

I did try the cry it out method with Lucas also.  Again it was about MY need for a break.  Lucas was a very needed and dependent child.  He not only needed me to cuddle him to put him to sleep but the cuddle needed to be tight while I rocked and bounced him.  My back was aching and I was exhausted.  Crying it out didn't work for Lucas, he would cry for an hour and that is not healthy.  What did work was giving him what he needed to fall asleep and then ever so gently laying him in his crib.  When he would wake for his midnight feeding I would go through the same routine.  It wasn't easy but I kept telling myself that in the scope of his life this is just a small piece of time and what is important is filling his need.  Between 13-21 months old he was sleeping through the night in his own crib.  At 21 months is when he figured out how to climb and fall out of his crib.  He still needed the security of his crib but we had to transition him into a toddler bed for safety.  This transition resulted in his sudden need to co-sleep. 

Hindsight is 20/20.  Of course my boys needed my arms to fall asleep!  Gabriel needed the natural aspects of the Attachment Parenting, resulting in the fact that today Gabe and I have a strong Mother and Son bond.  Knowing what we now know about Lucas' issues it is obvious that he needed that emotional and sensory input that is provided by Attachment Parenting.  I cannot imagine how much harder it would be for Lucas if he did not get that reassurance and comfort that has been provided by co-sleeping. 

There are times like last night when Gabe needs the closeness that comes when you get to be cuddled and fall asleep in Mommy's arms.  I am happy that my 10year old still occasionally feels the need to sleep inside his Mommy's arms.  I am also confident that Lucas is ready to transition out of the family bed but only if we do this in a loving and supportive way.  I believe that any attempt to let him cry it out or force the issue could make his speech backslide. 

Personally I am happy that I have found a site that promotes the same parenting style I have always believed in.  I never judge other's parenting styles as long as the children are happy, healthy and well loved.  There are 8 simple and basic principals to the Attachment Parenting philosophy http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/principles.php
1. Prepare for pregnancy, birth and parenting.
2. Feed with love and respect.
3. Respond with Sensitivity.
4. Use nurturing touch.
5. Ensure safe sleep, physically and emotionally.
6. Provide consistent and loving care.
7. Practice positive discipline.
8. Strive for balance in personal and family life.