Disabled

It is not logical but for a few years I was embarrassed that I had to file for Social Security Disability.  I had felt like a failure.  My first few years with RSD were beyond difficult so that when I had my SCS give me my life back I valued the ability to work.  When my health began to decline again I fought hard to keep working.  Then after one surgery it became obvious that I simply couldn't do it all.  Something had to drop and that felt like I had failed.  I gave up working and driving. 

I do not like to bring attention to my RSD.  I know, then why do I blog about it?  I don't like to talk about MY RSD but I do understand that I need to advocate for awareness about RSD.  I also do not like calling attention to my pain when I am in a flair.  I have been known to lie when asked about my pain, claiming that I was fine when in fact I was suffering.  I remember one particular day back when I used to work.  My RSD was flaring but I couldn't call out sick.  I waited at my desk till everyone left to go to lunch, explaining that I couldn't go with them because I had to catch up on some work. Reality was that I didn't want anyone to see me limping.  Once the office was clear I limped to the kitchen to warm up my lunch but on my way back to my desk a co-worker saw me and was concerned.  He asked "Are you okay? Why are you limping?"  I knew his concern was sincere.  I just couldn't bring myself to explain the whole story of my RSD to him, so I lied.  "I'm fine! I'm not limping."  Then I forced myself to walk so slowly and put some weight on my leg for a few steps till he turned around and walked into the kitchen.  I wanted to cry from the pain and the sadness of life with RSD.  I didn't want RSD to define me! 

Allowing myself to claim disability was a scary change of life.  What was I supposed to do now?  What are you supposed to do when you are used to working 40 hours a week, having the independence to drive yourself around, and the extra money that comes from working then that is all taken away from you?  Social security doesn't pay much.  It is not like I was suddenly a stay at home mom and I finally had time to go get my nails done or go to the gym for a few hours of exercise.  My choice is not to be a stay at home Mom.  I couldn't work but I also couldn't take care of the home either.  Everything became harder for me and I felt lost again.  My days were spent waiting until Gabriel came home from school so I could spend time with him.  I was lonely, bored and in pain.  I felt sorry for myself and that is not a productive feeling when you have RSD.  I was in a rut for the longest time not knowing how to be disabled. 

It has been hard to rediscover my purpose.  My purpose is about becoming as healthy as possible so I can be the best Mom I can be.  I have set my eyes on the simple.  Be an awesome wife, a great Mom, and be as healthy as I possibly can be.  Taking care of the house, my family and friends while finding time to write in my blog all come secondary to my primary responsibilities of Wife/Mother/Self.  The term disabled hurts because it is a reminder of what I am unable to do.  I would rather think of my abilities.  Sometimes I do such a great job of ignoring my disability that others in my life forget my status.  This is both a complement and a problem at the same time.  It is something I still struggle with.  The only solution I can see is that I have to continue to be me and hope that people will take into consideration that I am being strong whenever I can.  Accept what I can give and respect how I do it.  My only wish is that more people will accommodate my disability without me stating what I am unable to do.