It is not logical but for a few years I was embarrassed that I had to file for Social Security Disability. I had felt like a failure. My first few years with RSD were beyond difficult so that when I had my SCS give me my life back I valued the ability to work. When my health began to decline again I fought hard to keep working. Then after one surgery it became obvious that I simply couldn't do it all. Something had to drop and that felt like I had failed. I gave up working and driving.
I do not like to bring attention to my RSD. I know, then why do I blog about it? I don't like to talk about MY RSD but I do understand that I need to advocate for awareness about RSD. I also do not like calling attention to my pain when I am in a flair. I have been known to lie when asked about my pain, claiming that I was fine when in fact I was suffering. I remember one particular day back when I used to work. My RSD was flaring but I couldn't call out sick. I waited at my desk till everyone left to go to lunch, explaining that I couldn't go with them because I had to catch up on some work. Reality was that I didn't want anyone to see me limping. Once the office was clear I limped to the kitchen to warm up my lunch but on my way back to my desk a co-worker saw me and was concerned. He asked "Are you okay? Why are you limping?" I knew his concern was sincere. I just couldn't bring myself to explain the whole story of my RSD to him, so I lied. "I'm fine! I'm not limping." Then I forced myself to walk so slowly and put some weight on my leg for a few steps till he turned around and walked into the kitchen. I wanted to cry from the pain and the sadness of life with RSD. I didn't want RSD to define me!
Allowing myself to claim disability was a scary change of life. What was I supposed to do now? What are you supposed to do when you are used to working 40 hours a week, having the independence to drive yourself around, and the extra money that comes from working then that is all taken away from you? Social security doesn't pay much. It is not like I was suddenly a stay at home mom and I finally had time to go get my nails done or go to the gym for a few hours of exercise. My choice is not to be a stay at home Mom. I couldn't work but I also couldn't take care of the home either. Everything became harder for me and I felt lost again. My days were spent waiting until Gabriel came home from school so I could spend time with him. I was lonely, bored and in pain. I felt sorry for myself and that is not a productive feeling when you have RSD. I was in a rut for the longest time not knowing how to be disabled.
It has been hard to rediscover my purpose. My purpose is about becoming as healthy as possible so I can be the best Mom I can be. I have set my eyes on the simple. Be an awesome wife, a great Mom, and be as healthy as I possibly can be. Taking care of the house, my family and friends while finding time to write in my blog all come secondary to my primary responsibilities of Wife/Mother/Self. The term disabled hurts because it is a reminder of what I am unable to do. I would rather think of my abilities. Sometimes I do such a great job of ignoring my disability that others in my life forget my status. This is both a complement and a problem at the same time. It is something I still struggle with. The only solution I can see is that I have to continue to be me and hope that people will take into consideration that I am being strong whenever I can. Accept what I can give and respect how I do it. My only wish is that more people will accommodate my disability without me stating what I am unable to do.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
Attachment Parenting - principal #5.
Ensure safe sleep physically and emotionally.
While researching on the internet for advice in transitioning Lucas out of our bed and into his own I happened across a site called Attachment Parenting. I never heard of this parenting philosophy before. Surprisingly it matches the way we are raising our children. The site will say "the essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and children." Isn't that why we want to become parents? To create a strong bond, a meaningful relationship with our children? A child is the most precious gift that life has to offer. From the moment of conception this tiny human depends on it's mother to nourish and protect it. When an infant is born it depends on it's parents to decipher every cry and coo. They are tiny human's with emotions and needs. Attachment Parenting isn't a new philosophy it is a return to maternal instinct.
I had nursed Lucas for his first year. When he would cry my breasts would swell and ache responding to his cry for hunger. My body gave a physical response to my child's cry. That is natural! What is not natural is allowing your infant to cry when they need something from their parents. I get that most people will say "They need to learn to self soothe." My response is this "How many 20 year olds do you know that still need to be cuddled to have their needs met? None, because in time everyone learns to self soothe." My question is, "Why does a 6 month old need to learn how to self soothe?" Most of the time the answer to this question has to deal with the Mother's need. It can be very difficult to find the balance between taking care of yourself and your child when those needs conflict. Balance is necessary to keep a happy healthy and loving family environment. While caring for your child you must also care for yourself. I think that is why we often resort to the "cry it out" method.
That is why I tried the "cry it out" method when Gabriel was a baby. It was exhausting always needing to walk and bounce him till he could fall asleep. I needed time for myself. When I did try to let him cry it out I felt so guilty and it destroyed Leo to listen to his baby cry. Many people told me that I shouldn't feel guilty because I was doing what I needed to do, I was teaching my baby how to fall asleep without me. After a week we gave it up. The way Leo and I felt, if my baby needed me then he was going to get me. Eventually Gabe did learn to fall asleep without me. Before he was 2 years old he was sleeping in his own bed. He could still come to our bed if he had a bad day and needed a night time cuddle or if he had a bad dream and needed to be reassured.
I did try the cry it out method with Lucas also. Again it was about MY need for a break. Lucas was a very needed and dependent child. He not only needed me to cuddle him to put him to sleep but the cuddle needed to be tight while I rocked and bounced him. My back was aching and I was exhausted. Crying it out didn't work for Lucas, he would cry for an hour and that is not healthy. What did work was giving him what he needed to fall asleep and then ever so gently laying him in his crib. When he would wake for his midnight feeding I would go through the same routine. It wasn't easy but I kept telling myself that in the scope of his life this is just a small piece of time and what is important is filling his need. Between 13-21 months old he was sleeping through the night in his own crib. At 21 months is when he figured out how to climb and fall out of his crib. He still needed the security of his crib but we had to transition him into a toddler bed for safety. This transition resulted in his sudden need to co-sleep.
Hindsight is 20/20. Of course my boys needed my arms to fall asleep! Gabriel needed the natural aspects of the Attachment Parenting, resulting in the fact that today Gabe and I have a strong Mother and Son bond. Knowing what we now know about Lucas' issues it is obvious that he needed that emotional and sensory input that is provided by Attachment Parenting. I cannot imagine how much harder it would be for Lucas if he did not get that reassurance and comfort that has been provided by co-sleeping.
There are times like last night when Gabe needs the closeness that comes when you get to be cuddled and fall asleep in Mommy's arms. I am happy that my 10year old still occasionally feels the need to sleep inside his Mommy's arms. I am also confident that Lucas is ready to transition out of the family bed but only if we do this in a loving and supportive way. I believe that any attempt to let him cry it out or force the issue could make his speech backslide.
Personally I am happy that I have found a site that promotes the same parenting style I have always believed in. I never judge other's parenting styles as long as the children are happy, healthy and well loved. There are 8 simple and basic principals to the Attachment Parenting philosophy http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/principles.php
1. Prepare for pregnancy, birth and parenting.
2. Feed with love and respect.
3. Respond with Sensitivity.
4. Use nurturing touch.
5. Ensure safe sleep, physically and emotionally.
6. Provide consistent and loving care.
7. Practice positive discipline.
8. Strive for balance in personal and family life.
While researching on the internet for advice in transitioning Lucas out of our bed and into his own I happened across a site called Attachment Parenting. I never heard of this parenting philosophy before. Surprisingly it matches the way we are raising our children. The site will say "the essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and children." Isn't that why we want to become parents? To create a strong bond, a meaningful relationship with our children? A child is the most precious gift that life has to offer. From the moment of conception this tiny human depends on it's mother to nourish and protect it. When an infant is born it depends on it's parents to decipher every cry and coo. They are tiny human's with emotions and needs. Attachment Parenting isn't a new philosophy it is a return to maternal instinct.
I had nursed Lucas for his first year. When he would cry my breasts would swell and ache responding to his cry for hunger. My body gave a physical response to my child's cry. That is natural! What is not natural is allowing your infant to cry when they need something from their parents. I get that most people will say "They need to learn to self soothe." My response is this "How many 20 year olds do you know that still need to be cuddled to have their needs met? None, because in time everyone learns to self soothe." My question is, "Why does a 6 month old need to learn how to self soothe?" Most of the time the answer to this question has to deal with the Mother's need. It can be very difficult to find the balance between taking care of yourself and your child when those needs conflict. Balance is necessary to keep a happy healthy and loving family environment. While caring for your child you must also care for yourself. I think that is why we often resort to the "cry it out" method.
That is why I tried the "cry it out" method when Gabriel was a baby. It was exhausting always needing to walk and bounce him till he could fall asleep. I needed time for myself. When I did try to let him cry it out I felt so guilty and it destroyed Leo to listen to his baby cry. Many people told me that I shouldn't feel guilty because I was doing what I needed to do, I was teaching my baby how to fall asleep without me. After a week we gave it up. The way Leo and I felt, if my baby needed me then he was going to get me. Eventually Gabe did learn to fall asleep without me. Before he was 2 years old he was sleeping in his own bed. He could still come to our bed if he had a bad day and needed a night time cuddle or if he had a bad dream and needed to be reassured.
I did try the cry it out method with Lucas also. Again it was about MY need for a break. Lucas was a very needed and dependent child. He not only needed me to cuddle him to put him to sleep but the cuddle needed to be tight while I rocked and bounced him. My back was aching and I was exhausted. Crying it out didn't work for Lucas, he would cry for an hour and that is not healthy. What did work was giving him what he needed to fall asleep and then ever so gently laying him in his crib. When he would wake for his midnight feeding I would go through the same routine. It wasn't easy but I kept telling myself that in the scope of his life this is just a small piece of time and what is important is filling his need. Between 13-21 months old he was sleeping through the night in his own crib. At 21 months is when he figured out how to climb and fall out of his crib. He still needed the security of his crib but we had to transition him into a toddler bed for safety. This transition resulted in his sudden need to co-sleep.
Hindsight is 20/20. Of course my boys needed my arms to fall asleep! Gabriel needed the natural aspects of the Attachment Parenting, resulting in the fact that today Gabe and I have a strong Mother and Son bond. Knowing what we now know about Lucas' issues it is obvious that he needed that emotional and sensory input that is provided by Attachment Parenting. I cannot imagine how much harder it would be for Lucas if he did not get that reassurance and comfort that has been provided by co-sleeping.
There are times like last night when Gabe needs the closeness that comes when you get to be cuddled and fall asleep in Mommy's arms. I am happy that my 10year old still occasionally feels the need to sleep inside his Mommy's arms. I am also confident that Lucas is ready to transition out of the family bed but only if we do this in a loving and supportive way. I believe that any attempt to let him cry it out or force the issue could make his speech backslide.
Personally I am happy that I have found a site that promotes the same parenting style I have always believed in. I never judge other's parenting styles as long as the children are happy, healthy and well loved. There are 8 simple and basic principals to the Attachment Parenting philosophy http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/principles.php
1. Prepare for pregnancy, birth and parenting.
2. Feed with love and respect.
3. Respond with Sensitivity.
4. Use nurturing touch.
5. Ensure safe sleep, physically and emotionally.
6. Provide consistent and loving care.
7. Practice positive discipline.
8. Strive for balance in personal and family life.
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