providing for the family

Today I get my social security disability check. This is my financial contribution to my family. I used to work. Actually I loved working. To me working wasn't just about money or a career. It was the chance to get out there and meet new people and learn something new. Yes I was that co-worker that always found time in the work day to socialize. But I also was a hard worker, when my health was good. I choose to hide my RSD from employers and my co-workers. I didn't want special treatment or the other side of people knowing, which is the doubts of the seriousness about my condition. I used to be a triumph story of RSD. Hiding my story and health was one of my downfalls though. When I needed another surgery or just on a very bad flare up day was when the attention was called to my health. Some people could handle it and others couldn't. One job I had in particular (I will not name the company) gave me a very hard time about my job performance while I was struggling with my pain. After months of struggling with my pain my doctor realized my SCS was malfunctioning and I needed surgery, I would be out of work for 3 months. That employer was not happy. In fact on my first day back to work I was called into a meeting and informed that if I did not step up my performance then I would be fired.
I have not been working for the past two years and still I cannot get used to it. At first it was easy, sort of like being on an extended vacation. My pain levels help keep me grounded whenever I think, maybe just maybe I can swallow the pain and start working at least part time? I know the truth, I cannot work. The trick with RSD is that you never really know what today, tomorrow, next month will be like.

I do know that my financial contribution to my family is nothing much compared to what it used to be. Instead I need to focus on the other qualities I bring home. Like I don't have to use a sick day when my son is sick and needs his Mommy! My husband and I can eat lunch together, since we live so close to his work!

Sure it would be easy to just hide my RSD and disability. I could admit to being a stay at home mom. Except that is mostly a lie because if I did have my health I would be out there working. Maybe someday I will be better enough to get that part time job and then even farther down the road I will be able to work full time again. At this point in time though my job is my health and my family.

Love, Prayers and Gentle Hugs,
Marti Ann