Gabriel and School

Gabriel is the kid who has to work for his grades. I am the Mom who sits next to him at the homework table to give him the extra help he needs at home.   We are a team but as I always tell him "The grade you get on your test is yours alone.  I can help you study but it is up to you to know the information and pass that test!"   I began using this statement when he was in first grade and received a 100% on a spelling test.  He tried saying that it was because of me that he received a 100 and even though that praise felt awesome I needed him to know that I did not take the test for him, he did that all on his own.  Many times over the years we have struggled with him not wanting to study "Mommy's way" so I would let him go and study his own way.  When he brought home less than stellar grades he would shamefully hang his head and promise not to fight with me about studying anymore. 

Gabriel was a good student who struggled with anything that involved handwriting. Well, all of school and homework involves handwriting. As a joke we have often said "Gabe has the world's worst handwriting. That's why he should be a doctor when he grows up."  When he was in pre-school I began worrying about his handwritting.  He was four years old so when teachers gave me that sweet, "It will come, don't worry" explanation I tried to let it go.  In Kindergarten and in First Grade he still had the world's worst handwritting.  In Kindergarten it was not a big concern because everything else was on target so I was told to do hand strengthening excersizes.  In First Grade it was slightly more concerning however I was told that "Some kids have trouble with handwriting."  I noticed the patter, I was worried but teachers weren't.  In fact I was told that instead of focusing on improving his handwriting I needed to make sure that he was learning the material.  As long as a teacher could decipher it, no worries.  At home Leo and I are firm believers that sloppy handwriting showed that he didn't care about his work.  I remember the amount of tears first grade homework gave because of how much handwriting was involved.  Often times he would cry and fight against doing the work for 30 minutes or more.  The homework wasn't difficult for him, writing was.  However because he fought against doing his homework he also had trouble keeping up with the class in certain areas. 

Gabriel's various teachers have broached concerns about reading and math skills.  I always shake my head because they only see one side of him at school.  I have tried explaining to them what he is capable of at home.  Similiar to how he is able to receive a 100% in spelling if he follows my study methods.  Gabriel is a very outgoing boy however he is afraid to ask for help or to raise his hand when he doesn't understand something.  He began reading when he was four years old however at school he is afraid to read aloud because he is afraid that if he mispronounces a word he will be laughed at.  At home he is comfortable and knows that I am there to help him succeed.  He knows I will not tease him for mispronouncing a word or not knowing what 8x4 is automatically.  I have learned to trust my "Mommy Gut" but I also have Gabriel's report cards to back up what I know.  He is an average student.  Last year on the NJ ASK he was rated as a standard score, he is exactly average with the rest of kids his age in NJ. 

This past year has been hard on the whole family.  I was the one who had to have two surgeries and deal with the pain.  I was the one who had to be on bed rest to ensure the stability of my SCS.  I believe this has had the largest affect on Gabriel.  He is a 9 year old boy who relied on his Mommy's help with homework.  Leo worked hard to keep a semblence of our routine.  Still, it wasn't the same.  We knew we were asking a lot of Gabriel to be mature enough to handle his homework on his own while coping with the emotional affects of watching Mommy be in pain, not able to get out of bed.  Fact: Third grade he received a B in Math for the third marking period.  My surgery was at the end of April, the beginning of the fourth marking period.  His fourth marking period math grade dropped to a C.  At the time Leo and I both felt slightly guilty that Gabriel had to experience this grade drop, both of us understood it was a result from having to deal with my surgery.  It was only a small grade drop.  By then we knew my SCS surgery was not a success and I would need another revision, we were prepared for a more extensive recovery period to help guarentee a positive outcome. 

The beginning of this school year I wrote to Gabriel's new teachers about my health and upcoming surgery.  I asked if they would keep an eye on him elaborating he may begin to daydream to cope with his emotions.  Then on open house night I personally talked to his teacher for a few minutes about my concerns for Gabriel.  She promised she would keep an eye on him and said that so far he seems okay; no daydreaming or fidgeting in his chair.  On the day of my surgery I wrote a handwritten note to his teachers to make them aware that it was surgery day and if they could please send him to the guidance office, just to make sure that he was okay. 

About a month or so later Leo received a phone call.  In lieu of parent teacher conferences they would like him to come in to talk about  the problems they are seeing in class and with his grades.  Gabriel was failing math!  I was not able to attend that meeting.  Leo felt slightly bombarded with a sudden concern of Gabriel having ADD based on his daydreaming/inattentiveness and his fidgeting in class along with his poor grades.  Teacher meetings have always been my thing, we would go together but I was the one who did the talking while Leo was my second set of ears.  For Leo's first solo meeting to be this in depth was extraordinary.  I think he handled it wonderfully when he ended the meeting with "I would bet that Gabriel's grades will dramatically improve when his Mom is able to start doing homework with him again." 

When Leo came home and filled me in on the meeting I became irrate!  I told the teachers what was going on and that Gabriel would need more help.  I asked them to keep an eye on him.  Besides the day of my surgery they have never sent him to guidance or talked to him about why he was so distracted in class.  You can bet that I forced myself to attend the next meeting.  In the next meeting we talked about evaluating Gabriel.  Thanks to my conversations with Lucas' SLP I also knew to request firmly for an Occupational Therapists evaluation about my long standing concern with Gabe's handwriting.  I did state my concerns that they were not seeing Gabriel under the best of conditions.  No one would want to be judged on their work performace when they were dealing with a sick parent, and that is what we are doing to a child.  My concerns about this year being a result of how Gabriel is coping with my disease was dismissed multiple times but I stayed firm and finally they said "This is one surgery you had.  It is not a life time condition."  Now I had my opening.  "Actually this was my 6th surgery since Gabriel was born."  Everyone at the table froze and then someone asked "What is it that you have exactly?"  This was when I explained that I was diagnosed at 17 years old and how I will always have RSD but I need my SCS to manage my pain.  I explained how RSD is considered the most severe form of chronic pain. 

Then I stated that I had informed his teachers about my health before my surgery and that I requested they keep an eye on him for this particular behaviours.  I know my son better than anyone and I know how he copes.  I tried to keep everything mild and I agreed that we needed to evaluate him.  I especially didn't want to keep repeating myself each year. 

At home we slowly saw Gabriel returning to his normal self.  Getting back into the proper homework routine was tough because we also had to juggle in Lucas' needs.  I wish I had something positive to say about his teachers.  They did not see the positive turn around in Gabe. 

I do not have the results of the evaluations in front of me, they are with our pediatrician for his own professional opinion.  I can sum it up for you though.  Math, low average.  Reading average.  Oral language skills high average.  Gabriel's IQ shows as average.  His psychological evaluations were in the average ranges (certain area's he is high and others he is low).  The OT evaluation I firmly requested shows that his handwriting is below average.  In NJ they do not need to give you a specific learning disability for your child to receive services.  The learning disability is established by a 20 point or higher discrepency between two scores.  Gabriel's oral abilities being in the high average range and his Math being in the low average range provide this 20 point discrepency.  This means he qualifies for special education services.  He does not need to be in a special education classroom.  Through his IEP we are able to make some modifications to help him in the classroom. 

Again I wish I had something positive to say about his teachers.  I do have the pleasure of having something positive to say about the school principal.  He has stepped in to help moderate and finalize Gabriel's IEP.  I may not have an appology from the teachers for over looking Gabriel's emotional need but I received a heartfelt appology from the principal.  He also gave us a sincer appology for the continued oversight regarding Gabriel's handwriting issues.  He stated "I personally am sorry because he has been a student in my school for a year and half.  While at first the teachers could have been right the fact that you continued to see problems means it should have been addressed earlier."  He is also going to talk to the teachers about some of my concerns regardin communication.  He has asked if we would try The Homework Club again for Gabriel.  We had tried it the first few months of the school year but Gabriel would not ask for help so the time spent there was more like a babysitting service.  He stated that he wished he knew this about Gabriel.  He has a child with a learning disability so he knows first hand how they do not like to ask for help because 'they feel like' everyone else knows the answer and that makes them look stupid.  His plan is that he will talk to the teacher who does the homework club, he will tell her what the concerns are and then he will introduce her to Gabriel.  I think this will be great!  As I told Gabriel he needs to be able to ask a teacher questions the same way he does with me.  Then the principal explained to Gabriel "Sometimes one teacher might be able to explain it to you in a way that makes sense!"  We are all in agreement that Gabriel needs to give this a try. 

Back in January when Leo and I began to see the improvement in Gabe's grades we praised him for the improvements.  Gabriel shrugged his shoulders and as he was walking out of the room he said "I don't have to worry about Mommy anymore."  Leo and I knew this was the cause but hearing Gabriel say it for himself was heartwrenching.  9 year olds should be having fun being a kid but Gabriel's normal is about having to deal with a higher level of maturity in life.  As I get stronger he gets better.  As I get better he gets stronger. 

In summary: I feel like we will finally be getting Gabriel all the help he needs with the understanding that if he is a little more daydreamy it may be because Mommy is not doing too well at home so he is coping the best way possible.  The principal is taking this concern seriously and plans to talk to the guidance office about possibly seeing Gabe once a month or so to touch base and see how things are going.  I can now rest with the reassurance that someone is looking out for my child's best intrests.  His teachers only get him 9 months out of a year, but the principal will be a steady source!  I am not optimistic that this years teachers will have a turn around but I am optimistic that we will have teachers next year who will be more interested in the exact needs of Gabe.  It is a good thing that I have had to be my own advocate, it has given me the experiance I need to know how to advocate for both of my children. 

I am just sorry I did not trust my gut back when Gabriel was in First and Second grade that there was an actual problem with his handwriting.  I had heard about dyslexia for reading but I had never heard that there was a learning disability for handwriting called Dysgraphia!  Imagine my surprise when I logged onto a site called National Center for Learning Disabilities and after reading about disorders that do not describe my son I was astounded when I read about Dysgraphia and it felt like someone explained Gabriel's issues without knowing him! 

http://www.ncld.org/