Obsessive

For those that are really close to me they know that I have an Obsessive Nature.  I am not a particularly clean person but when I do clean I like it to be done a certain way.  I am not a particularly organized person but I like my drinking glasses and plates and utensils put away in a certan way.  If these things are not done in the certain way I like them to be done then I tend to freak out (a little bit).  While I like certain things to be done in certain ways I will openly admit that, hands down I am very Obsessive about my boys. 

Let's be honest.  I know I am a Super Mommy.  I placed the standard high for myself and work hard to live up to it.  My boys deserve the best I have to offer.  It is not easy and there are many days I fall far below my own standards yet each day I wake I promise to work hard. 

There is a little bit of pyschology behind my high standards.  I remember back when I was 20 years old, barely surviving the RSD, and my mother sat me down for a serious conversation.  If I should wish it they would convert the back room into a bedroom for me so I wouldn't have to walk up the two flights of stairs to my attic bedroom.  Also, if the time ever came when my RSD spread and I would need a wheel chair they would swap out the stairs at the back door for a ramp.  My friends were in college and or working.  They had little romances.  They were young adults deciding what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives.  I was a young adult preparing for the possibility of always living with my parents and the future need of a wheelchair accessable life. 

Obviously my life changed and neither of those options came to reality.  I had my SCS put in and soon I was walking without crutches, working, dancing and living.  When I met Leo we fell in love quickly.  We both desperately wanted to make our own family.  We made our own rules despite what others thought.  Deciding to start a family while living with RSD and knowing what could be took a moment of hesitation.  However I had learned that you need to live life to it's fullest while you have the chance.  I loved Leo and I wanted a family with him.  I hid from him the dangers and what if's.  At that time no one could say what RSD or a SCS could do during pregnancy or if either could hurt the baby.  I took the risk. 

I took the risk and wanted a child.  With the risk I made a promise that I would give my child everything I possibly could.  My RSD would never stand in the way of me being the Mom he deserved.  I promised my child would know love and that I would always be strong for him.  That is a big promise when you live with the most severe form of chronic pain.  It is a heavy weighted promise but in the action of doing right by my promise I am fullfilled in knowing that he is receiving the best of me. 

So, I am obsessive about my boys.  Now that they both have IEP's I have more than the normal to obsess about.  Making sure they are well rounded, well adjusted, and well taken care of every minutes of every day.  They didn't choose to be born to a mother with a health disorder but I did choose to have them knowing that I have a severe chronic pain that does affect every aspect of my life.  I am not interested in the pursuet of the famed "Me" time most mothers do so as not to loose themselves while raising their families.  I am not interested in partying or nights out for drinks.  Nothing wrong with those Mommies who feel the need to let it all loose either.  I enjoy being defined as a Gabriel's and Lucas' Mommy!  In my opinion there is nothing better than putting in a family movie on a Friday night with a bowl of popcorn for us all to share.  The only exception to the family movie night is when I get to go on a hot date night with Leo.  That is how I let loose!  For me this is everything I ever wanted and for a while thought I could not have. 

Leo might wish that I would obsess more on keeping a clean and tidy house.  As much as it may frusterate him he is proud of the type of Mom I am.  As Leo is found of saying "You are a Mommy with a capital M."  Don't let my obsession offend you and the way you do things.  Not everyone has had an early life alternating experience that defines them. 

One small warning though.  Remember, my children are my obsession.  So if you do something against them, or hurt them, then you will face my wrath.  I know my children better than anything else in this world.  I stand up for them and advocate for them.  I have their best interests at heart.  Treat them well and everything will be fine.